When Death Interrupts Your Prayer Visit

When Death Interrupts Your Prayer Visit

Yesterday we went out to visit and pray with some families in the community. As with all prayer visits in these communities, it is one after another. They all live in houses virtually built on top of each other. Fortunately, many from this community lived in houses made of concrete, lots of them built by Potter’s House. You always know a Potter’s House house; it is a yellow house with a navy blue stripe at the bottom – Potter’s House colors. Same design, same colors, same overwhelming blessing to its recipients.

It was one of those houses that we were approaching next.

As you’re approaching a house for a prayer visit, you aren’t really thinking much about your entry into the home. Generally, you’re scrambling to figure out the family’s situation. How many people live there? What do they do? Are there kids? How old are they? As a matter of fact, I would have had a head on collision with the family if I hadn’t looked up at just the right moment. As I was making my way through the sheer curtain that served as a door, they were making their way out. This was strange. Most families just wait for us to come in. 

Both the matriarch and patriarch of this home came out quickly. They threw the sheer curtain out of the way bolted in the opposite direction. Just as startling as their exit was the wailing. With tears streaming down their face they were saying something. We couldn’t understand any of the words pouring out of their mouth until I finally picked out:

“Ella murio.”

She died.

The oldest matriarch of the family had just passed away. She had finally held up the white flag in her battle with health. In that instant, her spirit had left her body and this entire family was left, here, on earth, without her. It wasn’t necessarily a surprise, but when is death expected?

We twisted our way around the laminate walls that guarded the community to the next corridor of houses and entered into the home behind the grieving family. I mean, what else are you going to do when you’re there to pray for the family?

The living room was packed full of family members and friends. Some were somber, unmoved and unshaken by this relentless enemy – death. Others were screaming, wailing inaudible prayers and hopes for the eternity of their long-lost mother.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever been in the room at the time of someone’s death, or even moments after, but it is a surreal experience. That body, that just minutes ago was breathing, seeing, feeling, was now cold and motionless. No amount of grieving can reverse it. It’s not a bad dream from which you must wake. It’s probably the most human that I’ve ever felt. Surrounded by the shouts and cries of this family, time stood still. In that moment, we all came face to face with the harsh reality that few of us want to consider: this life doesn’t last forever.

One of the daughters was sitting next to her mother’s lifeless body. She had been calmly praying. I’m not entirely certain what one prays for in that situation. Strength? Peace? Honestly, death makes everything feel trivial…even peace.

In an instant the daughter fell down on top of her mother’s body and started speaking to her lifeless mom. She began asking for forgiveness for being a bad daughter, telling the body that she had prayed that her suffering would end.

Even though my beliefs about eternity are defined and concrete, I wonder if I’d respond differently.

That afternoon I walked out of the house feeling hypnotized. I quickly rehearsed what it was that I believed, but couldn’t shake the sense of frail urgency about my time on earth.

Death is not unfamiliar to God. It is wholly other than God, because it was not part of God’s original design. But God is familiar with it. When the first humans allowed death into the world, God embraced everything that it would mean for them and for Him. There is no sense of loss that God doesn’t understand. His own son died. God felt the burning pain of loss. For an instant, God bore on his own shoulders both the weight of death and the cause of death.

With all the familiarity that God has with death, it also comes an immense hatred. It is hatred so full and so strong that God set out to kill death. In a twist of cosmic irony, when Jesus died, God killed death raising Him again.

I turned the corner to return to Potter’s House. I couldn’t help but feel my life pulsing through my veins, knowing that this body was not built for eternity.

Yesterday, death seemed to have won. But one day soon, death will breathe its last.

What Do Missionaries Even Do?

The Burkholders in 2014

The missionary life is actually a busy thing. A lot of missionaries are their own boss. They set their own hours, work at their own pace etc. However, for us in 2014, that is not the case, and we couldn’t be more excited. Tomorrow is the day that everything starts back up at Potter’s House. At 7:30 a.m., I will be carrying my travel mug full of thick, black coffee, as Jenny and I hop into our Kia Sportage to make the trek to Potter’s House. We will drive out of our neighborhood and begin the hour-long process of sitting in traffic.

            The drive is no ordinary drive. Most days it is 6 lanes of traffic on a 3 lane road. I will probably be running the A/C because, well, it’s warm here. It doesn’t matter how high I turn up the volume on the radio, you can’t drown out the mindless, incessant horn-honking. Everyone feels the need to tell everyone else that we are all, together, stuck in traffic.

            We will arrive at Potter’s House, probably around 8:30, and be swept up into the whirlwind of activity that doesn’t stop until December of 2014. Potter’s House is divided up into a couple of different areas. We are working within Family Integration, which is in part of the 5 programs offered by Potter’s House.

So, what will we be doing?

English Classes

Jenny is going to be offering weekly tutoring in English. She is accustomed to teaching Spanish to English-speakers. Now, she will be teaching English to Spanish-speakers. Regardless, she’s amazing at what she does. She is going to be working with the older students, ages 12-18.

Youth

We are joining/leading a team that will be hosting a weekly youth program. Essentially, we will be
running a youth group for 12-18 year olds. We are launching this on January 25, hoping to see 150 youth come and sign up to participate in the weekly program.

Men

I, Justin, will be running a bi-monthly men’s group, with the help of a whole slew of people at Potter's House. This is a huge need, and a huge opportunity. We are hosting the meetings on Friday nights. Potter’s House encouraged us to do it on Friday nights because the men often get paid on Friday nights. This helps prevent them from taking their paycheck and immediately buying whatever vice they generally choose to consume over the weekend.

Couples

Jenny and I both will be running a monthly couple’s meeting. We hope to be studying Love and Respect, in Spanish, obviously. There are many couples that are living together because the girl got pregnant. They rarely know how to go from sexual attraction to committed, monogamous, gospel-centered marriages.

Discipleship Network

We will also be in charge of developing a discipleship network. We are still defining what this is going to look like, but we think it will resemble small communities dedicated to being and making disciples. We want to provide lots of accountability to encourage genuine transformation. Spirituality isn’t lacking here, and hearing the word occurs often. But, the doing of the word is the biggest challenge. Isn’t it for all of us?

Prayer Walks

We will also be involved in strategizing and planning the prayer walks that are done over 2014. Prayer walks are visits to homes for the purpose of prayer and encouragement. Each group that visits a home enters knowing the family’s situation, spends time getting to know them and encouraging them, prays for them, and leaves a small bag of food that includes about a week’s worth of food. These are HUGELY important meetings as they allow us to follow up on people with whom we’ve begun relationships. Our goal is to host 1,000 prayer visits this year.

Massive Evangelistic Events

We are also involved in the planning and execution of the massive evangelistic events. Potter’s House generally does about 4 a year. We do one on Mother’s day for moms, one on Father’s Day for fathers, and two others. Potter’s House has seen thousands of people participate in these events. This too gives us a great point of contact and initiation with new faces.

Miscellaneous Pastoral Work

We are also playing the role of Pastor-in-residence. There are a myriad of pastoral issues. We will be available for counseling, prayer, various discipleship meetings etc. I, Justin, am aiming to be meeting with Pastors from the community for training and encouragement. We will be on call for meetings with parents of troubled teens, present for the students in education, encouraging and discipling the staff etc. The opportunities are endless.

Oh, and our baby is born in approximately 22 days.

2014 is going to be an awesome, busy, productive, opportunity-filled year. However, it can’t reach any of those things, for us, without your prayer and support. Please pray for us. Pray that we will take full advantage of the opportunities that God has given us. And pray that we will also give full priority to our growing family.

We would love to hear what 2014 holds for you. Please drop us a note at j.burkholder10@gmail.com

Lead From Your Weakness

It's been a whopping 9 weeks. Sometimes it feels like it's been an eternity. At other times, it feels like just yesterday we were emotionally boarding a plane, checking way more bags than the average traveler, and lugging our pooch, with fresh eyes to the adventures ahead.

I know that I'm young. I know that I'm inexperienced. However, when we left, I at least felt like I had a little bit of life-experience and ministry-experience under my belt.

Regardless of what experience I have or don't have, everyone feels a temptation to prove themselves at the start of a new phase of life. We want to show the world, our new employers, and mostly ourselves, that we are capable and will prevail. Over the course of the past few months it seems like deep in my soul Stuart Smalley is quietly repeating his classic phrase "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

But, no matter how hard I fight to prove myself, how desperately I cling to whispers of approval, how traumatized I am at rejection, there has been one giant lesson broadcasted on every channel of my life: I'm weak.

I don't know why it is a message that we are so quick to forget. I mean, it is literally found in every corner of our lives. Set aside for a moment all of the things that you think that you can accomplish. Set aside for a moment all of the dreams, longings, desires, your sense of self, and honestly examine your frail existence. I mean, heck, I have to sleep 1/3 of every single day. I can translate entire passages from the Greek into English, yet I fail miserably at "doing the word." I could eloquently nuance the meaning and definition of self-giving love as found in scripture, yet I fail to patiently serve my wife. I'm weak.

I can't change people's hearts. I can't cause transformation in a community. I can't create a movement of discipleship. I can't even discipline away my own sin, how could I ever imagine that in my strength I could show others the way?

I had the great opportunity to Skype with a friend who reminded me of this very truth: I am merely a beggar telling other beggars where they can find cold water. He challenged me, "lead from your weakness." The need to constantly prove our capability and experience is anti-gospel. We may proclaim the gospel, but how we proclaim it may contradict the very message we proclaim.

When the gospel takes root in our hearts and lives, it is not our strength, or capability, or experience that defines us. No, it is our weakness that defines us; it is our need that defines us. The gospel message, the sweeping melody of all of scripture, reminds us that it was in the midst of our frailty and weakness that God rescued us. God didn't rescue me because I am experienced. He didn't rescue me because I'm capable. He didn't rescue me because people like me. God rescued me out of His own love and grace for a wretched, broken, empty man like me. Each of us must remember, daily, that our capability, strength, meaning, and power are found in Him.

And it is God, not Justin or Jenny, who will accomplish His perfect plan in Guatemala. We just get to be the empty vessels that He fills.

It’s a Blessing to be a Child?

Playing some games with the youth from PHA.

It's a blessing to be a child. For most kids that is true. For most it means that you get lots of candy, Christmas presents, birthday presents, play all-day, are secure and safe at night…yeah…it’s a blessing.

Today I was involved in another situation that I am having a hard time processing.

I was invited to speak at a monthly youth meeting that takes place at Potter’s House. 30 kids, age 12-20 filled one of the classrooms at Potter’s House. The theme of the day was “It’s a Blessing to be a Child.” I feel so ill equipped to speak to these situations. What do I know of their struggle? What do I know of their plight? Even now, I’m writing this on my MacBook reclined on a new couch. My parents are still alive, still married, and faithfully serving God. I’ve received a great education and am capable of generating an income that few from the garbage dump communities will ever realize.

So, when I say “it’s a blessing to be a child,” I clearly have had much different experience.

I spoke from 1 Timothy 4:12 where Paul tells Timothy to not let anyone despise his youth, but to be an example instead. I’m sure I butchered the Spanish language in a number of ways, but at least I do so with confidence.

At the end of our meeting the students had an opportunity to share memories from their childhood. Some shared of their favorite games that they played, or funny stories about their siblings. However, time stood still when one girl started sharing her favorite childhood memory: it was her father. Unfortunately, many of these students don’t have a father, they just have a memory. Some of their memories are good, as was the case for this girl. Others have had alcoholic, draug-addicted, abusive fathers. Some have had their father’s murdered or incarcerated. Within moments of laughing hysterically at some childhood story, there was not a dry eye in the room. Almost every child in the room had been deeply affected by the absence of their father.

I could hardly contain my own emotion. Rage tempered with compassion, sadness seasoned with a desire to enact revenge on the juvenile men who considered themselves mature enough to start a family. Instead of responsibly accepting their life’s decisions, they walked away leaving a wake of battered and wounded adolescents who all wandered into Potter’s House this morning.

I have no words for what I felt this morning. It was raw emotion. I’m grateful they have each other. I’m grateful we are here for whatever reason. Honestly, I often wrestle with the sufficiency of the gospel to the complexity of these situations. Fortunately, there is nothing simple about the gospel either. Simple clichés don't make sense. "Pray this prayer by repeating after me" means nothing.  These communities need nothing less than a robust, complex gospel that confronts and opposes the oppression and injustice of their life.

Since leaving this morning I’ve been a wreck. My only solace has been these two verses:

Matthew 19:14

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Luke 17:2

It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.

I’m grateful that God hates injustice. I’m grateful that God hates oppression, abuse, and neglect. He hates them so much that He sacrificed the fellowship that He had with His own Son so that these little children could come to Him, their true Father. He will never leave them, abuse them, or forsake them. 

The Hardest Decision I've Ever Made

You would think that moving to another country was the hardest decision that I’ve ever made. You’d be wrong.

Deciding where we were going to live was, undoubtedly, the single-most difficult decision that I’ve ever made. Remember, we’re ministering to the poorest of poor of Latin America. Most live on $2/day, few have running water, and some have electricity. Violence, abuse, turmoil of all kinds plagues their daily life. How then does a missionary make a wise living choice when the nature of their ministry is such?

I have faced head on every possible angle. I have been yanked in all directions. I have spent hours in prayer laboring over this decision and still find no clarity.  

1.  Proximity and Security

These were the two main ideals we settled on. We wanted to live close and safe. As one Guatemalan puts it, “you can find surveillance in a neighborhood, but security, only with God.” We wanted a neighborhood where Jenny could go outside with the forthcoming baby and not have to worry about safety. We also wanted a place where I (Justin) didn’t have to sit in the car for hours every day. Many Guatemalans spend 3-5 hours in the car every day driving to and from work. This, too, is a stewardship issue. I want to have as much time to devote to my family as I can. Sitting in traffic is a waste.

2.  Missiological Principles

At the same time, we battled missiological principles. Would it be possible for us to live in a way that was appropriate to our ministry context? Could we possibly identify with the people of the garbage dump in our manner of living? I strongly doubt that we could, even if we lived among them, but does that lessen the impact or necessity?

We can always leave. They can’t. Even our home would have amenities that many of them don’t, such as internet, my computer, cell phones. I wrestled with how my new paternal duties intersect with my missionary duties. Surely this decision would have been easier if it was just me and Jenny.

3. My Paternal Duty

This has, without a doubt, been the most complex aspect to this decision. It is not just my paternal duty to protect my family, it is also my paternal duty to clearly articulate and express the gospel. The gospel came at great risk to God. How can I teach my children of this great, risk-taking God when we stay behind our security-guarded doors, averting any possible contact with that wretched outside world? It’s foolish. The gospel shines the brightest in the darkness, and God has called us into the darkness, to shine the light of the gospel.

However, if something ever happened to my daughter, or Jenny, or me, then what happens to our ministry? How can I guard and protect the longevity, and future of our ministry and still share my life with those whom I’m serving? However, it’s self-defeating, because the nature of serving them threatens the longevity of my ministry, right? Where is the line between protecting my family, and sharing the gospel through my family in a broken world? If you find it, let me know.

4. What About Respite?

This is a concept that our Guatemalan friends believe in dearly. They want to completely inundate themselves and serve the people of the garbage dump. However, to best do that, they have to be able to have a place of respite that they go back to every day. Work in the garbage dump is taxing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Just today a 14-year-old boy, while nonchalantly explaining his family dynamics, says, “I had an older brother, but he was shot 2 years ago” as if that was all too typical.

I’m not accustomed to this world of violence, abuse, addiction and so forth. If I inundated myself, apart from the grace of God, I’d probably burn out. Do I need a place of respite? Or is God my source of respite? I know that I should “rest,” but does that require certain commodities that others don’t have?

5.  The Gospel Issue

The much deeper issue, though, is my own heart. I am coming to realize this one HUGE, debilitating, weakness of mine. I have an inordinate amount of concern for how I am perceived. In all honesty, part of it is a good quality in a missionary. Missionaries should be relationally and culturally savvy, perceptive to how people are responding to them.

But, this can take an unhealthy turn fast and you can turn into…well…me! Every decision, crippled by the weight of supposed onlookers from all walks of life assessing and assuming things about me based upon my decisions. Do they think I’m being wise? Do they think I’m stuck up? Do they think I’m a typical, arrogant American? Am I making sense in Spanish? What if I can’t fulfill their expectations? Am I dressed appropriately for the ministry I’m doing? If I get a smaller house am I condescending?

At every corner, I feel the need to defend the decisions I’ve made, because I am terrified that I will lose respect in someone’s eyes.

This decision was so difficult for me, because, it feels like it comes with great potential for shame and rejection. What if people think my house is too nice? What if other missionaries think my house is too nice?

Why do I feel the need to alter some perception of myself that I think people have? Why do I care?

And the big, enormous, million-dollar question is “what if people find out that I’m not what they think I am?” Or, maybe even worse, “what if people think of me differently than I want them to?”

We don’t like to face such questions. They require grave amounts of vulnerability.

That’s the blessed news of the gospel. No matter what people think I am, I am a million times worse. God knows every last nook and cranny of my heart and loves me still. I don’t have to keep up appearances. I don’t have to worry about what God thinks. I know what God thinks. He told me, on the cross. His approval of me is beyond certain, and not because of the house that I live in or the car I drive.

I wanted to share this, with great honesty, because I imagine that many of you wrestle with this same thing. You so desperately want to be liked or loved that you go to great lengths to ensure that every decision is insulated against any possibility of criticism. And, if you’re like me, your insulation is never enough.

Every person that I have talked to about this has had the same advice that is truly a bulls-eye: “Justin, you’ll never please everyone.” Even as I write this, I fear how people will respond. Will they like it? Will they think “wow, Justin, you’re so honest and thoughtful.” Will they find some fatal flaw in my thinking that I didn’t see?

For my own sake, I have to say this: I don’t care what you think.

The funny thing about this decision is that, before this, there was some other “single-most difficult decision that I’d ever made.” And, before that, and before that, and before that. Because, as long as I am carried along by every possible assumption or judgment that someone has, I will never actually fulfill what God has called me to. I will merely spend my days battling in the darkness of my own mind, fighting to prove myself worthy or respectable, when God has already said “based upon the sacrifice of Christ, you are worthy and respectable. Stop trying to prove yourself to all these people; the God of the universe has accepted you as you are.”

10 days down

It is wild to think that we have already been here for 1.5 weeks. Some days it feels like we’ve been here for a year, and other days it feels like we just got here yesterday. We have packed these last 10 days as full as we can. We have looked at houses and cars galore. We have purchased our appliances, couches, bed and most of what we need to get started. There is lots of news, thoughts, lessons to share, so to keep it brief I will employ the ever-so-boring list form.

    1.  We have a house.

Praise God, we have a house. It took us a while, and was a much more difficult decision than we previously thought. We are in a house that is secure, probably a bit big for us, but only 15 minutes from Potters House.

    2.  We have a car.

Anyone who has bought a used care understands the risk. Even more, buying a used car in Latin America…well you don’t really know what you’re getting. We had a mechanic look it over, and are really hoping that it will last us a long time.

         3.  We will make mistakes.

What has become clear is that every missionary makes mistakes. We have already made lots of them. We seem to find more of the language mistakes because we already speak Spanish, yet continue to find dialectical differences.

For Example: In some places you can use the word sosten for support. We were talking about our financial support and I used that word. However, in Guatemala sosten means “bra.” People were just a little confused that I would speak so openly about the strength of our bra.

We will make much worse mistakes than just language mistakes. What is beautiful, is that we are learning that it is in the midst of those mistakes that God uses our honesty, gentleness, and ability to laugh it off! Even more, it alleviates some of the stereotypes that Americans think they have all the answers. We, too, are broken vessels that God must fill to use. We’re cracked clay in the Potter’s hands.

         4.  VBS for 2,000 kids

Yes, you read right! This Monday kicks off 4 straight weeks of VBS at Potters House. They are running about 5 VBS in the morning and 5 in the evening for the next 4 weeks. They are being hosted in a variety of community centers, and buildings in the area. I (Justin) am running one (or a handful?) of them.

We would ask that you would pray that God would manifest Himself powerfully in the lives of these children. There comes a moment where these kids face the hopelessness of their life situation, yet we know that the cross of Christ supersedes even the most dire situations. Christ came to conquer sin and ALL of it’s effects and establish His Kingdom. Christ’s Kingdom is not concerned with one’s house, clothes, cars, etc., yet the hope of Christ can be found when those are not present.

It is our prayer that children, this week would learn to “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things will be given to you as well.”  

As the King, Christ, takes root in the heart of these children, may His Kingdom come in this community.

For His Kingdom,

The Burkholders